I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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