I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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