i was born a porn star she said
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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