Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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