Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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