I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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