I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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