Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
