I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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