I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
