Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
