apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
