Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
