we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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