WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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