My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
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