I met the friendliest cop last night
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
