and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
