oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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