it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
