I am spending my child support on dildos
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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