Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I could fuck to npr.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
