I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
