he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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