Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
