Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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