She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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