Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
