Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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