Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
