Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
