so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
