I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
