I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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