I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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