DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
