Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
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