I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
