Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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