somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
