Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize
