so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
