Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
