Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
