Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
