i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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