true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type