I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.