In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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