You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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