How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
