Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
