He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
