White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
