I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
